


Conversations with you

by Abi_in_the_Cosmos



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel Wants Dean Winchester to be Happy, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Confused Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Has Realizations, Emotionally Repressed, Established Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, First Kiss, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Heavy Drinking, Idiots in Love, Jack Kline is a Winchester, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Voice of Reason Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:53:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28773408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abi_in_the_Cosmos/pseuds/Abi_in_the_Cosmos
Summary: Dean Winchester processes his feelings after Castiel's sacrifice, wondering if he really meant that 'I love you.' He's thrown further into chaos when Castiel returns and the two miscommunicate for almost 12 chapters.An angst-with-a-happy-ending Destiel fix-it that takes place after 15x19.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 34
Kudos: 133





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic because the finale destroyed me. Everything up to and including 15x19 is canon, but this time happy endings all around. Found family and TFW 2.0 are here but the focus is on Dean and Cas. I wanted to explore the idea of neither thinking the other one could love them and being chaotic about it.

###  Chapter One 

_The vibrating of his phone on the cold floor created the most awful rattling but Dean couldn’t hear it. Holding his head as his body sobbed and shook along. The odour of darkness was still in the air from where the Empty had rushed in, it wasn’t pleasant, but then again Dean’s sense of smell was starting to dilute under his cries. The Empty had taken Billie in one sweep but also collected Castiel as his final sacrifice; he’d made it for Sam, for Jack, for the world. Mostly though, Dean knew it’d been for him. The cries came harder, unable to stop himself, feeling sick and heavy in his stomach as tears ran into his lips._

The spoon clattered onto the counter from Dean’s fingers and he reached for the coffee he’d been stirring on autopilot. Sure, he was relieved about beating Chuck and that Jack was now happily fixing things in Heaven, but nothing stopped that icy ache from losing his best friend. Castiel’s face was a ghost, following him around and engulfed by the blackness that had consumed him. The angel had kept his eyes ahead when it happened, turning only once to look where he’d thrown Dean to the floor before he was dragged to nothing. A smile across his lips that never faded, he’d been so happy just to tell him how he’d felt. Dean on the other hand could barely live with himself for standing in silence, struggling through the words only to be able to find, _Don’t do this, Cas._ He frowned into his coffee, torturing himself with thoughts buried underneath the bottles of whiskey he’d been drinking up like water. What if Cas had gone out thinking that he hadn't wanted to hear any of it?

‘Cas, you stupid-’ He spoke softly, words he’d already said a thousand times.

‘Hey Dean, you okay?’

Dean watched Sam stride into the kitchen wearing pyjamas and his hair even more ruffled than usual. Bed-head wasn’t strong enough to describe it, Dean would usually poke fun but it didn’t even render a choked chuckle from his body.

‘Yeah, of course.’ He replied instead, shrugging his shoulders to shake the contemplations away and sipping from his coffee. ‘How’s Eileen doing?’

Sam walked over to the counter, pouring himself a coffee before exchanging a look of concern with his brother. ‘Better. I mean, it was traumatic y'know? I think she’ll need time to come to terms with what Chuck did, where he put her, but I think… I hope, she’ll be okay.’

The coffee cup held between his fingers, Dean clasped tighter and smiled at Sam. He could see the pain in his brother’s eyes but at the very core was that Sam Winchester signature hope. The last few years, what they’d been through, he’d really held it together and Dean couldn’t be anything other than proud of him.

‘She’ll be fine, Sammy.’

‘Yeah.’ Sam sat down across from his brother. ‘Any news on Cas?’

Dean felt a twist in his stomach at the mention of his name, his legs immediately moving himself away and towards where he’d left a piece of toast, sitting sad on a plate next to the oven. He cleared his throat and shook his head, fixating on anything else in front of him that wasn’t his brother.

‘No. Jack isn’t answering and to be honest…’ He paused, collecting his breath whilst he gathered his company line. ‘Cas sacrificed himself for us man, don’t you think we owe it to him to leave him be?’

‘In the Empty? That’s not him at peace Dean, you know that…’

‘How do we know that? Because some demon, some entity, told us?’

‘You can’t be serious. We can’t leave him in there, **you** said you’d never leave him in there.’

Dean shrugged, meeting Sam’s eyes across the room. He was sick at the idea but more than anything he felt devoid of faith. ‘Yeah well, what other choice do we have?’

‘We have the choice to find a way, like we always do.’

‘No-’

‘What do you mean no? This is Cas we’re talking about.’

He walked over to Sam, squeezing his shoulder in an effort to appease him. 'There isn’t a way to bring him back. If there was, Jack would’ve done it by now.’

Letting his feet carry him away from his brother, Dean walked out and left Sam staring blankly at him. Another apparition of Cas flashed ahead and he felt the agonising pain of it once more. He headed to his bedroom with those last words playing on repeat. They were so consistent in Dean’s memory that he was starting to feel numb to them; Castiel, his mouth shaky with tears and his face the softest Dean had ever seen it. The words, _I love you._ So simple, so beautiful. Dean’s head had rolled from the declaration, there was no time to ask him what he'd meant; no time to figure anything out. It was adios. _Always an adios._

*******

Dean sat at his laptop, scanning for news reports in case anything needed investigation but so far there was nothing out of the ordinary and he sank lower into his chair, heavy in thought. The truth was, Jack had been AWOL for a couple of weeks now and this bothered Dean. When Jack told them he’d do everything he could to save Cas, Dean had thought pulling a rescue out of the Empty should've been bread and butter for the newly-appointed God but he’d trailed off like the end of a song into silence.

‘Jack will come when he can, when he’s figured out a way,’ Sam always said.

Dean reached for the whiskey bottle on the desk and poured a splash into his coffee. He huddled over the computer, staring blankly onto the white screen as it started to blur. He tried to focus but his mind had unlocked another moment, he needed to remember it. Cas had knocked on his bedroom door only metres from where he was sat now, carefully and quietly, knowing that he’d done something to anger the hunter and offering an apology. He’d pulled out the mixtape and placed it on the desk, it’d taken Dean seconds to realise that he was trying to return it. The taste was so bitter, even now and years later.

 _‘It’s a gift.’_ He’d told the angel, unable to even look at him. _‘You keep those.’_

 _‘Oh,’_ Cas had replied.

Their fingers had almost brushed as Dean gave it back. Despite the hurt, he’d believed all the good intentions even when Cas stole the colt from under his pillow as soon as he had the chance. He took another drink, bringing himself into the present. Why had things always ended up like that with him? Dean had tried to understand the angel, given him the benefit of the doubt more times than he wanted to remember but there was always some misunderstanding, hurtful words, followed by trying to make amends.

‘But we always did,’ Dean mumbled to himself.

He finished his coffee and looked at the bottle of whiskey, wondering if he should pour one. He unscrewed the top when his phone rang, the name Donna flashing up.

‘Hello,’ He answered.

‘Dean, is that you?’

‘Yeah. Donna, everything okay?’

‘Uh, not really. We’ve got a bit of a situation down here,’ She replied.

‘Where? Sioux Falls? What's wrong?’

‘Something strange has happened, I don't know how... Look, I know it’s been a rough few weeks for ya, but it’s just, well, I think you’ll have to see it for yourself.’

######  Chapter 2 >>>

###### 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A familiar face drops by with some interesting things to say.

### Chapter Two

Dean stood in disbelief at the two identical red-headed women in front of him.

‘One minute things are normal and then, kaboom! This happens.’ Donna told the brothers.

He shared a glance with Sam, who was wearing an equally baffled complexion, his eyes wide and his lips small with concern. ‘Two Charlies?’

‘This is weird right?! Is she your world Charlie?’ The alt-world Charlie asked, pointing to the Charlie sat on the sofa next to her.

Dean studied them both, speechless, then turned to Sam with his eyebrows high.

‘I’m not sure. Do you remember anything from before you were here?’ Sam asked the second Charlie.

‘Nothing much, it feels like a dream. I was at comic con in a photo op line but when it was my turn I came here. Pretty disappointing if I’m honest, I’d had that pose nailed for weeks.’

Dean acknowledged her words, looking at Sam and hoping he had something useful to contribute.

‘We LARP’ed together, right?’ Charlie asked, burying her eyes into them whilst pushing her hair out of her face.

‘Yes.’ Dean replied with slight hesitation, swallowing air. ‘Yes, we did…’

‘I remember that… I was Queen.’ Charlie smiled and for the first time in a long while Dean felt warmness in his body, followed by a crushing blow.

At the same time her eyes flickered from side to side as if fact checking. ‘I died.’ She added. ‘I was in a bathroom, it was-’ Her face drained of colour and Dean sat next to her, placing his arm around her shoulder.

Finding Charlie’s body was one of his worst nightmares, a scar that never faded and he’d been forced to accept her brutal demise into his life. One of many in that job. ‘I’m sorry kiddo, you didn’t deserve that.’ He whispered.

*******

‘Is she really the same Charlie?’ Donna asked.

The three of them stood in the corner of her kitchen, watching the two women shyly sitting together and eyeing each other up as though flicking through old photos. ‘This is quite the Willow Rosenberg situation we’ve got going on, ay?’ Dean heard Charlie suggest to her alt-world counterpart.

‘I think so.’ He replied, turning to Sam. ‘But how, and why?’

‘Maybe Jack did it?’

Dean’s face hardened and his jaw tensed, he wasn’t in the mood for his brother’s godly speculation.

‘You think he would?’ Donna asked, hopeful.

‘No. No I don’t think that at all.’

‘Why not? It makes perfect sense, maybe we should try contacting-’ Sam suggested.

‘No.’ Dean’s voice cracked through the room. ‘Sam, I know you’ve been praying to Jack, just stop. He didn’t bring back Charlie.’

‘You don’t know that-’

‘Of course I know that!’

‘Why are you so certain? It’s Jack, we raised him-’

Dean scoffed, his brow creased into his eyes and his throat tightened like someone tying a noose around him. ‘Forget it.’ He headed out of the house and towards where Baby was sat proudly on the tarmac. Sam called after him, but his voice was just the wind whooshing past to Dean. Slipping into the impala and starting the ignition, he was quick but not quick enough. Sam’s long legs threw down into the car, creaking the door and shaking the dash.

‘Where are you going?’ He asked.

‘Anywhere!’

‘You’ve got to talk to me Dean, is this because of Cas? You don’t think Jack would bring Charlie back but not him?’

Dean took the keys out of the ignition, his mouth tensing up. ‘Well, why would he?! Why bring her back? Why now? I don’t buy it. Whatever has brought Charlie back, it’s not Jack.’

‘I get what you’re saying Dean, I do. But who else has the kind of juice needed to bring someone back from the dead?’

They sat in silence, Dean spitting out each word his brother said. There had to be another explanation.

*******

The drive home was quiet, Sam watched the road fly by with glazed eyes as Dean stared ahead. His hands secured to the steering wheel hard enough for his fingers to wrap around themselves. By the time they arrived at the bunker the day had turned into evening, not that it meant much to Dean, time had lost meaning a while ago. He headed straight into the kitchen to pull a beer out from the fridge, the residue leaving his fingers wet and chilled but he ignored it. Taking his phone out of his pocket, it unlocked straight into messages; the last thing Cas had texted gawked at him. _They don’t have pie. I’ll try another place._

‘So, what do you think we should do about Charlie?’ Sam asked, entering the room.

Dean paused with the top of the beer bottle resting against his mouth. Too many thoughts circling in his head as he locked the phone. ‘I don’t know.’

‘I can start looking through the lore but-’

‘Sam, don’t. We both know you’re probably right. Who else could’ve brought her back?’ He placed the bottle back down and looked at Sam. ‘But why wouldn’t Jack come and tell us? Why? Why not-’

‘Why not Cas?’

His face scrunched up causing his neck to tense into a dull ache.

‘We’ll get him back Dean. We’ll check everything we have. There’s gotta be a way to break him out of the Empty, with or without Jack’s help.’

Dean sighed, shaking his head sadly. ‘Cas…he made a deal with it.’

Sam sat across from him, Dean watched him frowning as the information was digested. ‘What?’ He finally asked.

‘He made a deal with the Empty to save Jack’s life. That’s why it took him.’

‘What kind of deal?’

‘The same kind we always make.’ Dean drank some beer, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. ‘Remember back when Jack was dying? Cas told me that he offered his own life in exchange for Jack’s, that’s why we got the kid back.’

‘Why didn’t he tell us?’ Sam shivered with frustration, his face metamorphosing into a puppy dog as he struggled to comprehend. ‘Well, deals can be broken Dean, we’ve both broken our fair share.’

Dean scoffed, taking another drink.

‘What kind of deal was it? Maybe we can figure something out.’ The way his brother looked at him so sad and confused was almost as painful as when Billie had squeezed his heart with her fingers, Cas holding him and carrying him away. Protecting him. _I got you_ , the angel had said. He darted his eyes away, finishing off the bottle of beer.

‘Dean?’

Dean stood up and tossed the bottle into the sink, it crash-landed into the basin and he manoeuvred to the fridge to get another. ‘I don’t know.’

‘You don’t know?’

‘No!’ He felt his brother watching him as he pulled the top off the bottle and took a large gulp.

‘Is there something you’re not telling me?’

‘Of course not!’ Dean said, spinning around to face Sam head on.

‘You sure? Because it’s starting to feel like it…’

Rolling his eyes, Dean started to head out but was stopped by a familiar scent of perfume, her tiny frame taking up the space of a Queen.

‘Hello boys.’

*******

‘Rowena?’ Sam asked the witch stood in front of them. Her hair glowing red and perfectly coiffed.

‘I missed you too Samuel. Och, as good as it feels to be stepping on these tiles again, do you mind if we take this out of the kitchen? Smells like beer, bacon, and regrets in here.’ She crumpled her nose and headed towards the library, Sam and Dean following her with confusion.

‘What are you doing here Rowena?’ Dean asked.

‘Well, it’s been so long, thought I best check how my favourite wee brothers were doing in a post-Chuck world?’ She sat down on a chair and watched them with intrigue.

‘We’re fine,’ Dean answered pointedly.

Rowena raised her eyebrow at them. ‘Are you? I had a visit from one of your old acquaintances today. Someone you know pretty well indeed.’ She pointed towards Dean.

He gulped, catching his brother watching him and softening his face for a moment.

‘Amara.’ Rowena confirmed.

‘Amara? Isn’t she inside Jack?’ Sam asked, studying Rowena intently.

‘No. She is in heaven with him though, he’s rebuilding it or some other rubbish, good for him ay? But apparently someone vanished on their watch, Charlie?’

‘We assumed Jack did that.’

‘Not according to her. She paid me a visit to see if I’d been dabbling.’

Dean folded his arms. ‘And have you?’

Rowena looked over, her eyebrows as high as her hair and her mouth wide. ‘Moi? No, I’ve more pressing matters in Hell to deal with than that. I came to see if you’d been up to your usual mischief and mayhem?’

‘It wasn’t us Rowena.’

Rowena’s face fractured a moment with Sam’s words. It was painted on her as vividly as her lipstick that she thought it was their doing.

‘Well, if it wasn’t Jack or Amara, us or you… Why is she back?’ The relief that Dean felt from knowing Jack hadn’t brought back Charlie was temporary as he heard his brother start talking.

‘Rowena, how much do you know about the Empty?’

‘Sam, what are you doing?’ Dean shot out.

Sam returned a cautionary look. ‘We might as well ask whilst she’s here.’

Dean rolled his eyes, taking a drink from the bottle of beer he still had clasped in his hand.

‘Not much, why?’ Rowena replied.

‘We’re trying to find a way to rescue Cas.’ Sam had so much hope in his voice, the sweetness made him nauseous and Dean turned away.

‘Cas? Why, he isn’t in the Empty…’

Dean flew himself around, his eyes wide. ‘What?’

‘Jack pulled the angel out weeks ago.’

‘Are you sure?’ Sam queried.

‘Of course I am. I’m a little surprised though, I would’ve thought the first thing he’d do was visit you two lumberjacks. Did you not sort out your little spat?’

Dean rubbed his face, his blood felt to stop flowing. His legs fell weak, they were going to carry him straight onto the floor if he didn’t sit down soon. Cas, not in the Empty; Cas, alive. He guided himself out of the room and down the hallway, straight into his bedroom and shut the door. Leaning against it, he allowed his body to sink down.

##### Chapter 3>>>


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tells Sam what happened when the Empty took Castiel. The bunker gets a visit from an angel.

### Chapter Three

Dean had been sat on the floor for several minutes before deciding to speak out. Putting down the bottle of beer he’d involuntarily brought with him. ‘You’re not even in the freaking Empty? You’ve been out this whole time?’ He spoke quietly, trying to take some deep breaths whilst his lungs struggled. ‘What the hell, man? Why wouldn’t you-’ He stopped, letting his eyes fill up. He didn’t need to ask why Cas hadn’t come back to him. He already knew the answer. 

*******

The whiskey that Dean had poured cascaded down his throat with a burn, and he stared at the now vacant glass. Footsteps scraped along the kitchen floor and he looked up to see Sam walking towards him and sitting down, opening his chest up as if readying himself for something.

‘Dean, you’re drinking like a fish and you’re upset. You know you can talk to me, right? What’s going on with you?’

The weight inside Dean was unbearable, knowing that Cas had chosen not to come home ate at his soul until it was a shell. ‘It was my fault.’ He finally said, barely audible.

‘What was your fault?’

Dean looked at his brother, feeling as though his face had broken in two. ‘Cas…what happened with him.’ His voice was low and discreet. ‘His deal. The Empty would only take him when he was happy-’ Dean took a moment. He didn’t fear Sam’s judgement but putting Castiel's vulnerability out there, along with his own, didn’t sit right with him.

Sam waited, curiosity slipped through his mouth which he held firmly together.

‘Cas said he hadn’t been able to work out what that was.’ He cast a glance towards the table wondering if to stop there, leave it at that, but instead he pressed on. ‘He said it was something he wanted but couldn’t have. And I just stood there, barely following a word he was saying. Billie was banging on the door, I thought she was going to kill us, you know?’ Dean paused again, inhaling deeply and catching Sam as he raised an eyebrow, probably trying to work out where this was going. ‘He said a lot of this and that but what it came down to, what his happiness was… That he loved me.’ He swallowed hard, moving on rapidly. ‘The stuff he said man, nobody-. And I just-I stood there. I watched him say all these things and then just like that, watched the Empty take him.’

‘Dean, that’s still not your fault.’

He regarded him squarely. ‘He died because he loved me or he died because I couldn’t stop it. Either way you look, it was my fault.’ Trying to hold back the freight-train of emotion rolling inside, he felt Sam grapple onto his arm.

‘He isn’t dead, Dean, Rowena told us.’

‘Exactly! He’s back and he hasn’t even-’ Dean broke off to catch himself, he wasn’t going to unravel about this here. He softly shook his brother’s hand away. ‘I’ve spent weeks thinking he died because of me, that I didn’t feel what he did, and now I find out he’s actually alive. If he’d meant it, if he felt that, why isn’t he here?’

Dean looked at Sam to see his face deadly serious. He relaxed his own and nodded in agreement with himself.

‘You say you don’t feel the same. Are you sure?’

Dean kept his eyes low, swallowing hard. They sat in silence for a few moments before he shrugged, returning his gaze to his brother.

‘What does it matter?’

‘It matters because if you do feel the same but he thinks you don’t, then maybe that’s one reason he hasn’t come back yet.’

‘I prayed to him, Sam. I thought he wasn't getting them down there, but if he’s not in the Empty then he's heard me and ignored every single one.’

‘I get that, but all I’m saying is there’s a stack of empty bottles in your bedroom that he hasn’t seen. Look, I can’t push you. Nobody can. But if there’s a chance you love him too, doesn’t he deserve to know? After everything?’

‘He’s an angel, he doesn’t know what love is, not love like what he was talking about.’

‘Is that what you really believe?’

Dean watched as Sam pushed himself up from the table, a small smile at the corner of his mouth before he walked towards the door.

‘Only Cas can tell you what he meant and he’s not in the Empty anymore. Maybe you should try praying to him again.’

*******

The beer bottle that Dean had been picking apart for an hour now was leaving his fingers slightly sticky, but the only thing he cared about was trying to find the right words without stumbling or sounding like a douchebag. He cast a side-eye into the room and inhaled, one last try.

‘Cas-.’ He began, too many things trying to come out at once. ‘Why aren’t you here, man?’ He stared around the room, almost feeling the air move as it would when he'd walk in with his trenchcoat flying behind. ‘Why wouldn’t you come and tell me that you’re safe? We’re family.’

A thought creeped into his head that this was nothing but a waste of time, if Cas hadn’t bothered to come before, why would he now? He pursed his lips together, chasing it to the back of his brain as he planted his eyes closed, determined to see the prayer through to the end as best he could.

‘That night you dropped all these things on me… There was Billie… And maybe I should’ve said more but you know what? Maybe you should’ve told me about the deal. You can be pissed at me, that’s fine, but don’t do this. Don’t pretend like nothing means anything anymore. You should’ve told me… about all of it. I deserved to know. I deserved to know every single deal you made, what you mean… Why wouldn’t you tell me any of this? Get down here now you son of a bitch.’ His face softened. ‘I need to see you, man. I need to see you.’

*******

Sam walked into the kitchen the next morning to find Dean slumped over the table, four empty bottles of beer knocking around his head. He sighed, signing to Eileen to meet him in the library; that he’d get the coffee. He didn’t want her to have to deal with his brother right now, she’d already been through enough.

‘Sam!’

With one foot in the kitchen he heard Eileen’s shout and raced through, running into the library to find her stood, paralysed. ‘What’s wrong?!’ He grabbed onto her shoulders before spotting Castiel sat by the map table. The wind rushed out of his chest and Sam smiled, holding Eileen’s hand tightly in his as he approached him. ‘Cas?’

The angel turned to face him, he looked a little broken but unharmed, his blue eyes wet and his mouth closed. He stood up to greet them, cracking a smile. ‘Sam, Eileen...’

Sam grabbed him into a hug, letting Eileen’s hand go as he wrapped the angel up into a welcome. He pulled back and studied him, grinning. ‘It’s true then, that Jack saved you?’

‘Yes, Jack pulled me out.’

‘Where have you been? Dean, he’s-’

Castiel turned to sit back down. ‘I didn’t want to disturb you both, I wanted you to enjoy a bit of peace.’

‘I can’t believe you’re here.' Eileen strolled up and sat next to him, putting her hand on his shoulder gently.

Excitement, relief; all of it filled Sam’s senses up to the brim. Dean’s win was sitting right here, at last. Maybe now he would stop starting the day with breakfast beers or leaving his socks around the bunker. Sam shook his head, ‘You should’ve told us.’

‘I know. I’m sorry, Sam.’

Sam accepted his apology immediately; he knew that this went deeper than Cas flying off and not thinking twice about the repercussions of his actions. ‘Have you spoken to Dean?’

‘No. No he hasn’t.’

Sam turned around to see his brother stood behind them, his denim shirt falling off his arm after a night asleep on the kitchen table, his face rough with stubble and his hair flattened. He watched the two men lock onto each other like attack dogs from opposite side of the room. Each pausing to take the other in, each tensing their body in waves.

‘We’re going to give you guys some privacy. Please, talk and listen to each other,’ Sam said. He held out his hand for Eileen and they headed back towards the kitchen. Sam turning around one last time. ‘It’s really good to have you back, Cas.’

Castiel let the corner of his mouth lift up into a half-smile before settling back on Dean, his eyes might've been the colour of emeralds but they appeared like snowballs frozen wide.

##### Chapter 4>>>


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel have their first conversation after the angel's three little words.

### Chapter Four

Castiel watched Dean pace closer to him, taking shallow breaths as he floated his knuckles along the map table. The energy around him was precarious and the angel worried, inhaling deeply as their eyes found each other and he heard the sound he'd been missing the most, the familiar gravel of the hunter’s voice.

‘How long have you been in here?’

Cas spoke slowly, 'Not long.'

**‘How long?’**

‘I came when you asked me to.’

Dean rolled his eyes. ‘So, all night? You’ve been in here all night and you didn’t think to come and find me?’

‘Dean-’ His voice broke, seeing Dean so torn apart ripped his heart open. The confession had meant to help him realise who he was, how he wasn’t the angry and destructive person he’d believed himself to be. But here he was, as jagged and rocky as mountains, pieces of himself tumbling down and splintering onto the floor. His green eyes red and puffy, wide but empty.

‘Cas, don’t. Don’t try and give me some reason because there isn’t one.’ He moved closer to the angel, causing Cas to catch his breath for a moment. The man was just as beautiful as the day he pulled him out of Hell, age and wars had barely left their trace on him.

‘I wasn’t sure you’d want to see me, Dean, all those things I said to you… I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.’

Dean looked at him, lit up with a fire starting to burn within. ‘What?’

‘I told you that night, I know that what I want isn’t something I can have. I know that. I didn’t want you to think I expected anything from you, I don’t. That’s not why I told you those things. I knew you could save the world and I wanted you to see yourself fully in order to do just that.’

Castiel saw the hunter gulp back his words. It was clear that each syllable was being picked apart.

‘So, you said all that to save the world? It wasn’t anything to do with me, not really?’

‘It was about you, to help you-’

Dean shook his head, moving another step towards Castiel, his eyes flickering down to his mouth just once, then back up like someone had thrown the lighter in with the whole bucket of fuel.

‘And here I thought you meant every word, that for once it wasn’t some angel, _dick move_ , to save the world.’

‘Dean, that’s not-’

He pushed past, knocking his trenchcoat open on the way. Castiel stopped, troubled with what to do. Follow him? Is that what he'd want? Leave him alone? He rubbed his hand over his face trying to decide but knowing that he always seemed to get it wrong.

*******

Dean shut his bedroom door quietly, despite the fury flowing inside him he didn’t want to alert Sam to trouble. He moved over to the bottle of whiskey on his desk, popping the top and splashing some straight down his gullet.

‘That’s not what happened, Dean.’

Surprised, Dean turned around to see Castiel closing the door behind him as he entered the room.

‘Do you really believe-?’

‘I don’t know, Cas. I mean you’re here, you’re there. You disappear, you come back; you say we’re family then I don’t hear from you. What do you expect me to think?’

‘I meant every word.’

Dean felt hurricanes in his stomach, remembering back to that night but it being muted by doubt. He took another drink of whiskey.

‘Do you even know what love is?’ He asked through gritted teeth.

The shock was apparent in Cas’s face and for a moment Dean worried he’d pushed a button, but the angel walked over to him and pulled the whiskey from his hand.

‘Really?’

Dean followed the bottle of whiskey back to the table but Cas pushed him gently back from it. The hunter rose above him, his heart beating heavily against his chest; he was used to fighting out there but conflicts at home tasted much more unpleasant. ‘Then why say all that and then not even bother to come and see me when you’re miraculously saved from hell?’ The muscles in his neck tightened and he heard himself swallow.

Cas relaxed, placing his hand on Dean’s shoulder. ‘I didn’t come back here because I thought that’s what you’d want.’

The angel continued to watch him, and Dean allowed himself the first closeness he’d had with Cas in what felt like forever. ‘Weren’t you listening to my prayers at all? Did you not have your ears on?’ Dean’s mouth quaked as he fought the instinct to give into him.

‘Dean,’ Cas said his name as delicately as folding silk between his fingers, as if the human might break if he said it any other way. ‘I heard you-’

Dean sneered, letting out a quiet choke as he pulled his body back.

‘I thought it best to give you some time to enjoy being with Sam, having your life back, out of Chuck’s playground. I wanted to be here, but it felt wrong.’

‘It felt wrong?’

Castiel viewed him with inquisitiveness and uncertainty before looking away and descending into silence, Dean knew he wasn’t saying everything he wanted to.

‘Was it you? Did you bring Charlie back and are you why Jack pulled a vanishing act?’

The reticence on his face was deafening and Dean viewed him in disbelief, his face cracking and softening with the realisation that he should’ve known. He opened his mouth to let out a small exhale.

‘Yes. I asked Jack not to say anything to you, not yet, and when I saw Charlie in Heaven… Jack agreed. I wanted you to have a win. You deserved it, Dean.’

*******

Castiel watched Dean as he sat down on the bed, sensing the confusion ratting inside but he didn’t know how to make it better. He moved carefully to the desk chair and sat across from him.

‘Did you even ask her what she wanted? Because she seemed pretty damn surprised to me.’ Dean shot a look towards him, drawing his brow down.

‘Of course. We discussed it with her but the memory can be a complicated thing. She might not remember all of Heaven.’ A silence fell on them, Cas studying as Dean processed it.

‘Okay. Look, don’t think I’m not thankful, because I am. But Cas, didn’t you think that maybe the win was just-just you coming home?’

‘No.’ Cas leant forwards, his forearms pushing into his thighs. ‘You had Sam and I thought, after everything with Billie and Chuck, that you’d want to move on from our…friendship.’

‘No. No, that’s the opposite of what I want, Cas.’ Dean moved his observations to the floor before sighing. ‘I’ve missed you, man.’

A warm feeling of relief washed over Cas and he involuntarily smiled. ‘So did I. When I was in the Empty I was living through these dreams. Well, they were more like nightmares.’

He could see Dean giving him full attention.

‘Every single one was of you dying over and over again, I could never save you. I’d try but my powers would fail or I’d get there too late, sometimes you’d kill me first. I lost count of how many times I watched you die.’ He stopped to breathe; his sentiment was starting to drive the train now. ‘I was helpless, and you were dead.’

‘It wasn’t real, Cas.’

‘I know, but the pain was felt each and every time.’ The raw memory scraped down his tongue.

‘I-’ Dean cleared his throat. ‘Remember when Rowena died, and everything with Belphegor?’

Cas whinced at the thought, the bunker door still echoing in his ear as he’d left.

‘I was so angry at you, but I was so damn angry at myself.’ He took another deep inhale, dropping his volume lower.

Cas tilted his head slightly. ‘You’ve already apologised for this, Dean.’

Dean rejected to look at him. ‘I need you to know this.’ He paused. ‘Every time I thought, maybe there’s something real in this, something would go wrong. You’d do something stupid and I’d think I was being an idiot. Why would an angel- how would an angel know what being human feels like? But rather than try to understand, or cut you the same slack I’d give Sam, I’d just get angry. It made it easier y’know.’

‘Made what easier?’

‘Everything. Then when you said what you did, and the Empty came and just like that you were gone. I wanted to go back, you have no idea, Cas. I was ready to go way back to when you walked through that barn and-’

‘And you tried to stab me?’

Dean chuckled, his head lifting to look at the angel. It made the nerves running down Castiel’s spine tingle and he smiled in return.

‘Exactly. I thought of all the times I sat up worried about you; upset, pissed about some dumbass thing you’d done. But mostly, I thought of all the times we watched movies, went for a drive; when I’d fall asleep and find you still sitting here like it was nothing. All the times you took a bullet for me, for Sam, for Jack. I wanted to go back to that night and tell myself, _Don’t mess this up, man. Don’t let him work with Crowley, don’t let him say yes to **Lucifer** , don’t let him make any deals – we’ll find another way to save Jack_.’ Dean swallowed hard. Failing himself, he felt the familiar sensation of a tear rolling down his cheek.

‘Dean, you don’t need to say any of this. Those were my choices, you did everything you could. You always have.’

The hunter nodded, tearing himself away as he smoothed his face. A new quiet entered the room, one of peace, but the electricity was bouncing off the walls as Cas felt the warmth of Dean's touch. He followed the man's gaze to their hands and where Dean’s palm was resting on top of his. They sat in static but he could feel the pulsing of Dean’s body through his fingers. He watched as Dean slowly moved himself like honey from Castiel's wrists and down to his fingertips. It was a sensation he hadn’t experienced before. He’d felt human contact but this was lightning bolts travelling at cosmic speeds deep within, stirring his body in ways he’d never imagined. His chest moving rapidly, he tried to steady it. None of this felt real to him, wanting to hold someone else’s hand wasn’t a natural instinct he had, but right now? It felt perfect.

*******

The voice inside Dean’s head was scathing. He was angry at himself as his fingers lingered on Castiel’s, silently pleading for the angel to link digits with him but he wasn’t tuned in to the signals. Dean knew that Cas would stay fixed there until he moved his hand away. He observed the angel again, his dark hair tousled and his lips full, for a second he wondered if this was real. Lost in the moment, he was caught off guard when Cas raised his eyes to meet his. Dean had never gotten over just how blue they were. He caught his breath. ‘I’m going to have some of that whiskey.’ He lifted his hand off Castiel’s and stood up next to him, taking a large drink before offering it to him.

‘I should give you a moment alone.’ Cas turned to move but Dean reached out to him, grasping his hand onto the angel's arm. He didn’t want him to leave yet, he still had too much he needed to say.

‘Cas, wait.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Could we watch a movie or something, you know, just hang out with some drinks. I'll get us some pie?’

‘I can get you pie.'

The pair exchanged a smile; Dean had missed this. It was what he’d fought Chuck for in the first place, his life belonging to nobody else. No hamster wheel, no pre-destined crap. Free to watch movies and eat pie with whoever he wanted, and despite knowing he was about to spend the next two hours explaining to Cas _whatever_ was happening in whichever movie they'd end up watching, he wouldn’t have had it any other way.

##### Chapter 5>>>


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Castiel are confused, so they watch a movie.

###  Chapter Five

‘Where’s Cas?’ Sam asked, watching a freshly showered and wet-haired Dean pull a pack of beer out from the fridge. He hadn’t seen the angel in over an hour, usually an indication that one of them was pissed off. He closed the book in front of him and pushed an empty coffee cup away.

‘He’s gone to get some pie. Where’s Eileen?’

‘Resting. So, have you talked to him yet? About what happened?’

‘Uh... yeah, Charlie? That was him.’ Dean turned to him, a satisfied look across his face.

‘Wait…what? No, that’s not- we can get to that in a minute, that isn’t what I meant.’

A gentle tension fell across Dean’s mouth as he shook his head. ‘Dude, can we just be happy that he’s here for like five minutes?’

‘Okay, you’ve both been through a lot, I get that. But Dean, you’re going to have to deal with this eventually. You were pretty messed up when-’

‘You think I don’t know that?’ Dean sat across from him, the pack of beer landing with a slight rocking of the table. ‘Look, how I feel about the guy? I don’t know, he’s Cas, but what I do know is that he belongs here. That’s enough for me.’

‘I agree that he belongs here, Dean, but you saying that’s enough for you? I don’t buy it.’ He watched as Dean tapped his hand against the table, rolling his eyes to the side before giving him that look. The one he always fired off when he didn’t want to hear it, but Sam pressed on. ‘I’m here for you no matter what. I don’t care who you love or who you choose to be with, if that’s Cas then-’

‘I’ve got the pie.’ Castiel walked in firmly, carrying a bag and placing it in front of his brother. Dean immediately softened, closing off Sam’s words and rummaging through to take out a large, round, apple pie. With cheeks reminiscent of a chipmunk, he grinned at Cas.

‘Awesome!’ Just like that, Dean’s façade fell to the ground as he stood up. He placed his hand on Cas’s arm with a quiet tug. ‘Let’s go get that movie watched!’ Pie in hand, he left the room.

Sam turned his attention to the angel, stood with a cloudy expression as he watched Dean walk ahead. ‘Give him time, Cas. He’s already there but he’s still Dean you know?’

Castiel blinked at Sam with heavy eyes and smiled. ‘What did he tell you?’

‘Not much, what happened with the Empty and Billie. That’s pretty much it.’

‘Your brother, he’s a complex person. I’m never quite sure what he means even when I can hear his prayers.’

'I think he'd probably say the same about you.' The angel looked at him as if he'd been talking Enochian, and Sam realised that Cas was just as clueless as his brother. Before he could even think how to deal with them both, his brother’s impatient voice bellowed from the hallway.

‘Grab the beer, will you?!’

‘This probably won’t make sense… but try to listen to what he’s not saying.’ Sam said, the only piece of advice he could offer.

*******

Dean had dragged a table to the bottom of the bed, propping the laptop up and switching it on as he noticed Castiel walking past the room. ‘Cas! Where you going?’

‘Are we not going to the…’ Cas paused, casting his eyes upwards in reluctance. ‘The Deancave?’

A laugh on his lips, Dean enjoyed hearing him call it that and took the beer off him. ‘No, I thought we’d do it like we used to, remember, Tombstone?’

‘How could I forget?’

He closed the door and turned around to find the angel waiting for direction, and damn, if seeing him like that didn’t send Dean into an immediate flashback. Crappy motels, asking Cas if he wanted to stay and watch something with him and Sam. It was so long ago but not much felt to have changed, not really. ‘Grab a beer,’ He suggested.

‘What are we watching?’ Cas asked, taking a bottle from the pack.

Dean walked to the opposite side of the bed, sitting down before he noticed the angel slotting himself into the chair. ‘Cas, don’t do that.’

Cas narrowed his eyes. ‘Don’t do what?’

‘Don’t…sit there. Come on, up here.’ He patted the space he’d left next to him on the bed, his heart feeling fast as Cas warily moved towards the bed like a bee hovering over a flower. It was clear to Dean that both were feeling the nerves; they were magnets pushing against each other and Dean would’ve laughed if it’d been anyone else. He could pick women up with a side-eye and little smirk, but this. He didn’t even know what _this_ was but he knew he wanted the angel sat with him.

‘Is this okay?’ Cas perched next to him. His legs swinging off to the side like windscreen wipers.

‘Sit properly, man!’ Dean stretched his legs out along the bed, inviting Cas to copy. He took a drink of his beer, his stomach spasmed and accepted the alcohol, leaving a tiny buzz vibrating into his bloodstream. He looked at Cas through the corner of his eye, the angel was kicking his legs out and propping a cushion behind his back. Leaning against the headboard, they held each other in soft regard.

‘Dean, I need to say something.’

‘Okay?’

‘It might be awkward.’

Dean pushed a gulp down and rolled his lips, squeezing them for a second before releasing and turning to look at the angel. He noticed Cas squirming slightly and without hesitation his hand fell onto his knee to comfort him. ‘Talk to me.’

‘It bothers me that you’d question what I said to you when I summoned the Empty. Yes, I wanted to save you and I wanted you to go and save the world, but I said all that to you because it was the truth.’

‘Cas, I know you meant it. That’s not what I-’ He paused, his chest tightening. ‘I couldn’t get my head around you saying all that, then not coming back when Jack pulled you out. I don’t know, I guess I just thought that maybe you didn’t mean it in the same way that I heard it.’

The angel furrowed his brow. ‘What way did you hear it?’

Dean moved his hand off the angel, suddenly feeling like he was sat on shards of glass. ‘I don’t know, romantically I guess...’ He peeked at Cas, looking away quickly when he met his eyes.

‘Dean, that is how I meant it.’

‘But you’re an angel, have you ever felt that before?’

‘No, not like this.’

‘Then how do you know?’

He looked into his charged eyes once more, feeling a jolt course through his veins and swallowing hard. The tension felt unyielding, two pages of a book stuck together and unable to pull apart without tearing. Castiel softened even more and Dean cleared his throat, readjusting himself on the bed.

‘I know because you, your brother, Jack; you gave me a family.’

‘But that’s a different kind of love, Cas, it’s not romantic. It’s not being _in_ love.’

Dean observed him, scanning for signs that he was confused or a realisation that he’d chosen the wrong words, but Cas just kept his eyes on him. Fixed into place like the walls in his bedroom.

‘Maybe we should just watch the movie.’ Cas replied.

*******

Castiel looked at Dean asleep next to him, after two back-to-back movies he'd fallen further into the bed. His head pressing against the angel’s arm felt mildly uncomfortable but Cas wouldn’t move. Regarding him in his entirety, this man who had saved the world more times than any other human, losing so much of his own life to prioritise others, Cas shook his head in sorrow. Sometimes it'd been hard for him to understand why Dean fought for the world or how he’d kept grinding, supporting his brother wholly and completely no matter what problem lay ahead. Then he’d realised, that was exactly why he loved him. The screen of the laptop was black and Cas caught the faint reflection of them both together. For a brief moment, he closed his eyes and wanted to rest his head against Dean’s, but he wasn’t going to be so invasive. He leant against the headboard instead when he heard Dean grunting.

‘Lay down.’ Dean said, his voice thick with sleep. He’d moved slightly but Cas wasn’t able to tell how conscious he was. ‘Cas. Lay down.’

He felt the weight of Dean’s head lift and noticed that, still with his eyes closed, Dean was waiting. Cas slid himself down the bed and let his head find the pillow. As he shuffled himself gently to get comfier, the weight of Dean returned as he placed himself on his shoulder. Castiel tried to breathe as silently as possible but his chest was pounding. Feeling Dean's body so close to him, more intimate than they’d ever been before. His arms were pencils straight down his side and he looked for a distraction; focusing on the lamp next to the bed, illuminating corners that Cas had never really given a second glance to. He noticed photos but couldn’t make out what they were of, a red plaid shirt carefully draped across a chair, and a couple of empty beer bottles sat together on the table. He tried to take another glance at Dean but they were too close to each other. His mind wandering, he recollected Jack telling him how Dean didn’t kill Chuck. That he could’ve done but he chose not to, claiming that being a killer wasn’t who he was. He smiled to himself, that was exactly the message that he’d wanted to give Dean. Castiel had known since the day he met him, this man was driven by love and nothing else, even when he couldn’t see it for himself.

##### Chapter 6>>>


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One little moment will change everything for Dean and Castiel.

### Chapter Six

Dean woke up surrounded by darkness, fumbling onto his nightstand for the phone he always kept there and checking the time. 1.23AM. His eyes tried to find some light, searching for Castiel next to him. ‘Cas?’ Aware that he’d allowed himself to fall asleep on the angel’s shoulder, he shook off the _why_ he'd done it. Cas was his best friend, he felt safe with him; he figured that was reason enough. 

Pulling himself off the bed, he headed out of the room and into the library to find the angel sat with Sam and Eileen, a quiet conversation happening and cards in front of them. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Eileen's beating our ass at poker,’ Sam replied.

‘Good work.' Dean raised his eyebrows at the hunter impressively, yawning and rubbing sleep away from his face before sitting down next to Cas. ‘I miss anything else?’

‘Actually you did. Cas?’

Dean looked at his younger brother, a faint flush of worry in his cheeks before moving cautiously at the angel next to him. ‘Well, tell me.’

His concern dissipated when Cas gave him a warm smile, his face opening up and his azure eyes alive. ‘Whilst you were asleep, I heard from Jack.’

‘Oh yeah? From Heaven?’

‘Yes. He’s been working with Rowena to find a way to close Hell, to create a world without monsters… He thinks there might be a way.’

_No monsters._ Dean gave a small glance towards his brother to get a feel for where his head was at, his face was calm – relaxed even. ‘What do they want from us?’ He asked, eyebrows pressing down as he turned back to Cas.

‘Nothing,’ Sam replied.

Surprised to hear the response from his brother, Dean viewed him with knowing reluctance; they'd been down this road before. The pressure in his temples eased as he returned to Cas. ‘Nothing?’

‘He’s trying to create a world where you and your brother, Eileen, hunters everywhere, can finally be at peace. Jack isn’t going to drag you into this.’

It took a moment for Dean to catch up with what he was saying. Everybody else around the table sat soundless in optimism, his eyes bounced from Eileen to Sam and then back to Cas one more time. ‘You’re being serious?’

*******

Sam left the library with Eileen, Castiel had already been over the details he had with them and it was late, he was feeling beat. They'd reached Sam's bedroom when he felt in his pockets, realising that his phone was left on the table. He touched Eileen's shoulder, telling her vocally and with sign language, 'I’ve left my phone. I’ll be there in a minute.’

‘Okay.’ Eileen smiled at him, dropping his hand.

The floor felt light as he moved slow towards the library, his body heavy and fatigued; he thought about snuggling up to Eileen. He was really starting to get used to the scent of her on their pillows, enticing but comforting, he smiled to himself as he approached the entrance.

‘This was all I wanted for you both...’

Cas’s voice was faint but Sam was able to make it out. He hovered by the doorway wanting to enter but he sensed doing so would interrupt something fragile. It made him stop in his tracks, he didn’t want his hefty footing to shatter whatever moment was occurring.

‘I know you did, Cas, and I’m sorry that I doubted you. That I doubted Jack.’

The murmur of his brother’s voice travelled with fragmented syllables, but Sam broke into a smile. He didn’t want to eavesdrop, especially when it was clear that things between them were tenuous. He turned around ready to leave, until the unmistakeable sound hit him hard.

‘Dean, no. I know circumstances are challenging right now but I _do_ love you. You don’t need to apologise for anything.’

Sam held his breath, willing his brother to reciprocate but instead there was silence. He decided the phone would have to spend the night without him and left to fall into bed with Eileen, the echoes of their conversation rotating inside his head. He never thought he’d hear it from either of them, maybe they really were finally free.

*******

Dean looked at Cas, electricity short-circuiting his nerves as he absorbed the words again. Being slow to process didn’t feel like an adequate excuse anymore. He opened his mouth but all that came out was excess oxygen; he smiled at the angel instead. ‘Cas-’ Dean cleared his throat. All cognition had stopped.

‘I’m not expecting you to return my feelings, Dean, and I’m not going anywhere either. I just wanted to tell you without the conditions of the last time I said those words.’

Cas smiled and although Dean wanted to feel at peace with the moment, he didn’t. Those words, _not going anywhere_ rebounded through him and every memory of losing the angel was thrown at him. _Not going anywhere._ But he’d already watched Leviathans fill him up from within then melt out his body, leaving nothing but his trench coat. _Not going anywhere._ Except Lucifer with one brutal blade, and shit, if that hadn’t almost destroyed him. _Not going anywhere._ Only the Empty drowning him in darkness. It was a swift jump to start listing his own fate. _Not going anywhere._ But becoming a demon hellbent on destruction and mayhem after Metatron sliced into him like a turkey. _Not going anywhere._ Michael riding him until he was thoroughly broken, and not the sexy kind of riding. Dean shook his head, his mouth falling open. ‘That’s not true and you know it.’

‘Well, no but I wanted to reassure you.’

He couldn’t say anything else, turning away and being hauled in all directions. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Dean knew what he wanted to ask him, it’d been at the back of his mind for weeks. He took a breath to prepare. ‘Cas? I don’t want to ask you this, but I think I have to.’ He swallowed hard, wondering if Cas knew how frayed and shattered he was feeling. ‘When we were in purgatory, the second time when Michael sent us and I prayed to you…’

‘Yes...’

‘Exactly how much did you hear?’

He looked back at Cas who regarded him soothingly but didn’t reply, his lowering gaze satisfied Dean’s question.

‘Well that’s just awesome.’

‘We don’t have to talk about that, Dean.’

The hunter slipped himself away, standing up with what felt like a spotlight glaring on him. It was loud and aggressive; he shook his head. ‘I’m some kind of cosmic joke, right?’

‘Cosmic joke?’

‘Yeah, you know. You heard the one about the hunter and the angel…?’

‘Dean, you’re not a cosmic joke.’

He pressed his body against a cupboard, the metal of the handle knocked into his lower back but Dean didn’t move. His hand rubbed over his rough cheek as he got lost in purgatory. The panic of losing Cas, of being denied the chance to make things right; he’d felt a surge of emotions like a tidal wave and hadn’t stopped to think about any of them. Taking to his knee, apologising, wanting to find him and get the hell back to the bunker; that was all he’d cared about and a million things had tumbled out of his brain. He looked over at the angel who was observing him quietly and all he could do was ask himself how he got into this mess? 

‘What the hell is this, Cas?’ He asked under his breath, allowing Castiel to see his face more open than he would’ve liked.

‘Dean, I heard you, yes. But I knew it didn’t mean anything’

‘It didn’t mean anything?’

‘You said it yourself last night, familial love isn’t being in love. I never once thought that you meant anything more.’ Cas stood up and walked over to him. Dean’s temples knotted together as he listened. Nothing was making sense. Cas wrapped his hand around Dean’s shoulder. ‘Here.’

*******

One gentle press against his forehead and Dean opened his eyes to find himself outside the bunker, rain trickling down his face. ‘Cas?’ He looked around, cold and wishing that the angel had sent him with his jacket. Cas appeared next to him, the jacket hanging off his fingers.

‘What are you doing, man? You know we could’ve just walked outside? I've told you about zapping me places.’ He slipped the additional layer over himself then shoved his hands into his pockets. The change in location had raised his guard.

‘That’s true but I wanted to make a point.’

Dean looked at him inquisitively. ‘In the rain?’ He tried to run through reasons why Cas might do this but drew blanks.

‘The rain is unfortunate; I’ll give you that, but no. Look, when Jack first came into being, the child of an angel and a human, remember the chaos? Heaven and Hell both wanted him; we thought he was dangerous, feared what might happen… But what’s he doing? He’s rebuilding Heaven, he helped defeat Chuck; he’s a miracle, Dean. Could we explain to anyone why? No. Could we define who he is? He’s God but-’

‘But a few months ago he was chowing down on birthday cake-’

‘And asking permission to sign up to social networking websites.’

Dean chuckled, he didn’t know about that.

‘We just live; we’re just ourselves. And you’re right, I’m an angel, my powers might be failing somewhat but I can still take you from the kitchen to outside with one touch.’

The rain cast a chill over Dean and he felt his body tremble, he continued watching Cas talk, his gaze drifting to his full lips as they spoke. ‘Cas, you’re losing me-’

‘I’m not wanting you to be someone you’re not or hoping, expecting, you to reciprocate my feelings. I’m not going to be analysing everything you do, or say, or think in a prayer. I've been perfectly fine all these years just as we are, I only want us to be a family again. Maybe we are a cosmic joke as you said, but I’d rather be a joke with you than another soldier in heaven.’ Castiel smiled at him.

Tiny droplets of rain fell from Dean's hair and into his eyes as he listened with every ounce of intent he had. The ground felt to be spiralling under him, like he'd stepped out of Baby after a 12 hour road trip. 'All these years?'

'Yes.' Cas didn't pause although he wore his expression with a sadness, confirming it with the aura of someone who had given it deep consideration.

Dean blinked as the severity of the words reached him, watching as the angel let the water run off his face, his trenchcoat starting to darken with the slow precipitation. _Years_. Finally, Dean swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling more confused than before. The only thing he knew was that he wanted to comfort him.

‘Are you alright?’ Cas asked.

‘Yeah… Come here, man.’ Wrapping his left arm around Cas, he drew him close to his chest and used his right hand to hold him at the base of his neck. The angel’s chin rested on his shoulder for a few seconds, hair pressing against Dean’s ear. A soft stirring occurred inside Dean, a reaction to their bodies touching softly and a small gasp escaped him. Feeling Castiel peel himself away, the hunter pulled back and they met, a gradual smile cracking the angel’s eyes. Dean meant to move away completely, that’s what he was telling himself to do but instead he was immovable, his hand still cupping Castiel's neck. The air was loose in his chest, fluidic and moving into his skin leaving goosebumps. It only took one swift movement to feel his lips against Cas's, Dean stopped the kiss as rapidly as he’d started it.

‘Dean?’ The angel tensed up, his jaw tight and frigid.

Shit. He swallowed hard, mortified at himself. It’d be a lie to say the thought had never crossed his mind, wondering what it would be like to experience that moment but it was never meant to materialise. ‘Cas, I’m sorry.’ He choked, wanting the words out fast. ‘That did not happen.’ He pleaded.

Cas surveyed him, his eyes narrowing for a moment before recognition replaced the bewilderment. ‘Okay. If that’s what you want.’

It was, it had to be. Dean rolled his eyes, feeling like they'd travelled to the back of his skull, a trivial ache in his forehead. He sighed, too loud.

Cas touched his arm and moved a step closer. ‘I don’t want to pretend that didn’t happen, but I’ll respect your decision.’

Dean’s chest moved painfully with each breath as he kept himself locked into the angel's eyes, it was all too much. He was wet, cold, and his stomach was burning out with nervous energy, self-loathing, and exhilaration. The taste of him was still in his mouth, the imprint of his lips against his own was unbearable. Fraught at how much he was having to resist it, he threw his hands into the air and turned to face the empty road next to him. ‘Son of a bitch!’ He shouted into the night. Shivering, he knew that Cas had approached him and felt the familiar touch against his forehead. Opening his eyes once more he found himself returned into the kitchen, alone.

##### Chapter 7>>>


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First kisses can be troubling.

### Chapter Seven

Castiel wasn’t sure what was happening or why Dean kept his hand resting on his neck following their hug. It was unusual, they never kept contact for this long. The angel squeezed his eyes together in curiosity, trying to work out the problem. An unfamiliar expression spread across Dean’s face; his breathing shallow, his tongue darted out and wetted his lips whilst his green eyes held Cas’s tightly. The tension felt different too but Cas didn’t know in what way. Then it happened, Castiel closed his eyes the second that Dean pulled him close and took his bottom lip between his own, pressing into the angel’s mouth with a firm and tender kiss. Cas returned the affection like it was the most natural thing in the world until Dean hurriedly pulled away. It was over, the hunter's eyes flickering back and forth processing what had occured.

‘Dean?’ Cas clamped his mouth together. Too perplexed to say another word, unskilled in these situations.

As Dean apologised and asked him to forget what had happened, a renewed sense of love filled Cas only to be tarnished by desire. He'd tasted something he didn’t realise he wanted so badly and contemplated asking for an explanation, to remind him that he had feelings too and capacity for upset, but seeing the panic gripping and flooding out of the hunter changed his mind. Whatever had happened, Dean clearly wished it hadn’t.

‘I don’t want to pretend that didn’t happen, but I’ll respect your decision.’ Cas said.

Dean looked away, the echoes of _son of a bitch!_ in the air as Cas walked up to him, wanting to help but understanding his presence would distress him more. Instead, with a touch against the forehead, Cas sent him back inside to do whatever was needed to forget.

*******

Dean spun on the heel of his boot, looking around the kitchen. ‘Cas?’ Their shared moment lost as he grappled with finding himself back in the bunker, the angel nowhere to be seen. ‘Cas?!’ He went into the library but vacant chairs and low lighting confessed that was empty too.

‘Cas, where the hell are you?’

He slowed down, drawing his fingers against his mouth and thinking about what he’d just done. There was no explaining it, he’d screwed up. As soon as he'd heard Cas say _years_ the surprise had driven a need to reach out. To be closer than they had before. Those words, _fine all these years_ , what the hell was that? Dean couldn’t unpack it. Getting Cas back should’ve made things clearer, not pushed him more out of whack. He groaned, moving his head into his hands as he sank into a chair, feeling his eyes sting with tears. Did he really say _years_ as though he’d been pining all this time just to then angel his way into oblivion after a kiss? To Dean, that added more timber to the fire in his belly, screaming that Cas didn’t know what he was talking about.

‘Don’t do this again, Cas.’ He let out a quiet, confused sob.

*******

Castiel remained outside the bunker a few minutes after sending Dean inside, his gaze resting on the ground where the man had been stood. The rain slowly tapped off his lip and he looked towards the door knowing he should follow. Yet, he couldn’t move. Dealing with Dean right now would be thick with regret and that troubled him. Still, he wondered why the hunter would act in a way usually reserved for romantic feelings. Rolling his eyes into the sky, he sighed, exhausted from rationalising. Humans often made mistakes, so did angels, perhaps this was just that.

‘Cas? Cas?! Where the hell are you?’

He heard Dean calling out for him in prayer and it hurt to ignore him, especially given recent events with the Empty and Dean’s upset over his decision to stay away. He sounded shaken and Cas knew he would be but there was something else in his voice, fear. No, Castiel couldn’t go and see him right now, he needed to reset. He would do exactly what Dean wanted and let go of his selfishness, forget it happened and stop asking himself what it could mean. Before leaving he took one last inhale of the memory; the feel of Dean’s touch, the smell of him close, and the softness of his mouth.

*******

‘What are you doing up? You look like hell.' Sam saw his brother in the same room he’d left him in 6 hours earlier, glass in hand and feet up on the table. The energy was loud, something had happened.

'Thanks, Sam. Could’ve just said morning, you know.’ Dean trailed his hand over his cheek and down his throat. Tiny lines creased above his nose as he shared a glance, his eyes shadowed and red.

‘Sorry. Is that whiskey? It’s like 7am…'

‘Yeah well, it’s been a rough night.’

Sam scanned the room for clues, knotting his brow at Dean. ‘Where’s Cas? Did you two have some kind of fight?’

‘Freakin’ angels, man.’ Dean shook his head, avoiding his gaze as he dragged his thumb around the glass. ‘Cas left. Like he always does, and no, I don’t know where he went.’

‘Dude, what the hell happened? I thought you guys were talking, headed somewhere good?’

There was no answer, a sigh passing out of his lips as he threw some of the gold liquid down his throat.

Sam studied him, the frown growing deeper. Wondering if the reason Cas had gone was connected to the conversation he’d overheard, but he didn't want to be intrusive. ‘Okay, if you don’t want to talk, fine. How about I get us some breakfast?’

*******

Dean ate his eggs, soaked up the whiskey, and went for a lay down. Waking up 4 hours later, his first thought took him back to the kiss, how unreal it now felt. He showered, the hot water bouncing off as he soaped up and rubbed his hands down his body, trying to scrub his mind clean. The hell was he thinking? He couldn’t even blame alcohol, he’d been stone cold sober when he’d wrapped his arms around the angel. Sleeping hadn't numbed him to Cas’s reaction either; his face hard and the tone in which he’d said his name. _Dean?_ As though he’d grown dog ears and licked the angel’s face. Dean huffed, pulling out his phone to find zero messages or calls.

‘Obviously.’

He shoved it back inside his pocket and grabbed his grey flannel to head into the library.

*******

The clunking of the bunker door greeted Dean and his feet stopped at an imaginary red light as he saw Castiel walking down the stairs, Jack following.

‘Hello Dean!’ Jack said, stopping next to the map table with his hand raised into a little wave. He held himself tall, but he was still their kid, his face open and bright.

‘Jack? Is everything okay? Why are you here?’

‘Everything's fine,' Jack smiled. 'I just wanted to say hi...I missed you both. I know that I didn’t come back when you wanted me to, Cas, he-’

Dean forced a smile, letting his eyes wander to Cas who raised his blue gaze once before looking away. ‘Yeah, I get it.’ Dean replied, making every effort to take out the bitter taste he was feeling towards the angel.

‘Jack?!’ Sam’s warm voice filled the room as he rushed out from behind Dean, embracing the Nephilim.

Using Sam and Jack’s moment to step next to Cas, Dean lowered his voice into a cracked whisper. ‘You didn’t tell us you’d gone.’ The angel didn’t answer, sending frenzied nerves climbing inside Dean's head. He tensed his arms, the silence fuelling him to face him directly.

Cas noticed, his jaw flexing but refusing to meet him. ‘I’m sorry Dean, I didn’t think I needed to.’

The reply knocked Dean backwards and he watched the angel leave his side and walk towards Jack. A slow anger bubbled in his stomach like fizz in a beer can. He’d been unable to think about anything else, one torturous thought after another, meanwhile Castiel was as angelic as ever. Unknowing, not understanding, or had he understood completely?

‘Can we get something to eat?’ Jack beamed into the room, walking with the confidence of a new God but the excitement of a son returning home.

Dean wanted to be happy with his family under one roof. Team Free Will 2.0 reunited and Chuck nowhere to be seen, but damn, he felt played.

##### Chapter 8>>>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a while, I wanted to try and write it as close as I could imagine it happening in canon. I hope you like it, it's not perfect but I didn't want to spend too long obsessing over it either. More angst on the way!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack returns home. Dean and Castiel clash after their first kiss.

###  Chapter Eight 

Dean knocked back a coffee in the kitchen, listening to Jack talk about how he'd been breaking walls in Heaven and making changes so people didn't have to only re-live their memories.

‘I want it to be a place where everyone gets what they deserve, anything they want or what they’ve fought for, they can have it.’ He told them.

It sounded pretty nice but no matter how Jack spun it, Dean wasn’t eager to get there. His mind wandered off, sneaking a sidelong glance to Cas laughing softly at something Sam had said. The four of them, Sam, Eileen, Cas, and Jack sitting together around the table was the image of peace, but Dean stood a few feet away, unwilling to slip into the vacant spot. The angel hadn't said another word to him and denied all eye contact.

‘Dean, will you sit down.’ Sam turned around.

‘I’m good, Sammy.’ He raised his coffee mug in an attempt to be affectionate but when he lowered it back down, Sam regarded him vexed.

‘Really? You’re…okay, whatever.’

‘I’m sorry, is there something wrong with me standing here, huh? Is there somewhere else I should stand that I don’t know about?’ Dean felt his brother's frustration channel into him, feeding a surge which climbed his body like an ivy. He burnt his eyes into Sam, fighting the urge to lock onto Castiel.

‘You could just sit with us... There’s a space right next to Cas.’

‘Next to Cas? See, maybe I don’t want to sit there.’ 

‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ Sam snapped. Eileen reached to put her hand on his shoulder, probably to try and steer him away from the cliff. She hadn’t been around them long but Dean knew she’d figured out their dynamics already.

‘The hell is wrong with you? I don’t want to sit down right now, Sam.’ Finally, Dean let his eyes move but only as far as Jack. He saw the confusion, the sadness on his face and felt his heart crush under it. This isn’t what he came here for, who’d want this?

‘No, of course you don’t. My mistake. Stand there then, be a dick.’

‘Excuse me?!’ Dean swung back to Sam, tiny volcanoes erupting between them and lighting up the whole room.

‘Maybe this was a bad time-’ Cas interrupted, the final catalyst.

Their gaze met, Dean watching him with ferocity. Unable to believe that he’d shared a kiss with this person, this being, who had pulled the fastest 180 he'd ever witnessed. ‘Yeah, you know what, Cas? Maybe you should go.’ He bit back, dividing the anger up equally.

‘Dean! Cas, that’s not what he means.’ Sam quickly added.

‘The hell I don’t!’

‘Stop!’ Jack bellowed. ‘What’s going on?’

Dean filled his lungs with enough oxygen to spread into his stomach, unable to stop a bitter stare at Cas. His body vibrating with heat, he sneered, letting out the air he was holding in and shaking his head. ‘Screw this.’

*******

‘What’s wrong with Dean?’ Jack asked, innocence dripping out of his large eyes as the hunter left the room.

‘Nothing, he’s just got a few things on his mind.’ Sam glanced at Castiel, seeing the angel put together a broken smile.

‘Don’t worry about Dean, you've got enough that you're doing.’ Cas placed his hand on Jack's shoulder.

‘He’s probably gone on a beer run.’

Sam nodded as Eileen spoke and signed, looking as she gave Jack an open-hearted smile. He knew there was at least 3 more packs in the fridge but then again, that didn’t always mean anything. He travelled back to the angel across from him, feeling no other option. ‘Cas, can I talk to you?’

‘Of course.’

Castiel followed him out of the kitchen and into the library, stopping in his tracks when Sam spun around and towered above him. ‘Dean is freaking out and he won’t tell me anything. Cas, I don’t know what to do anymore, you’ve got to tell me what happened the other night? I thought things were- I thought you were talking things out.' He knew that he was pleading for information that Dean didn’t want to share, but the desperation and spiralling that his brother was doing had to stop. Hopeful that Cas might advise him, there was nobody else he could talk to about it.

‘I’m sorry, Sam. I can’t tell you anything. Whatever your brother is going through, it’s not for me to talk about.’

‘But you’re part of it!'

There was no denial from Cas, the way his face crinkled and his eyes skimmed the floor told Sam that they both knew how true that was. Regardless, Castiel was loyal to Dean first and foremost, Sam didn't pretend to think otherwise.

‘I wish I could make things easier for him.’

Sam nodded, inhaling deeply and accepting that he wasn’t going to get any clarity from the angel. ‘Me too,’ He replied.

*******

When Dean rolled into the bunker he was unaware of the time, but he was sure he’d seen a clock hit 2am at some point along his drive up and down winding roads.

‘Dean?’

He noticed Castiel sat by the table in the library, two warm lamps lighting up his profile and gulped. Making a choice to deal with the angel, Dean walked to the drinks cart and poured a whiskey. ‘Cas.’ He acknowledged. ‘Where’s Jack?’

‘He’s in his room.’ Cas stood up. Looking at Dean with narrow eyes, he blinked at him with frustration. ‘What were you thinking? Have you forgotten everything we’ve been through for the sake of saving this world, what Jack is doing…?’

‘Alright, you can drop it. I just needed some air-’ He took a drink. ‘What are even doing here, man?’

Cas looked at him, dipping his eyes into what must’ve been the saddest expression Dean had seen and he'd seen a lot! A pang of guilt nipped him and he tried to hide the remorse by holding his gaze with the table.

‘I’m sorry, Dean. I thought I was welcome but I see now that’s not the case.’

‘You’re joking, right?’ He returned to look at Cas, his hand balled into a fist next to his side. ‘This is the problem, Cas. It’s not you being here, it’s that your answer to everything is to leave!’

‘And you always ask me to stay? Because we both know that’s not accurate.’

His stomach hurt but Dean pressed on, slamming the whiskey down onto the table to let his hand move with his words.

‘What do you want from me, man? For me to ask you not to leave? Okay, I’m asking you, Cas, not to leave. Just freakin’ **stay** , for once…’

‘Dean, you’re not the only one struggling with this.’

‘Oh, obviously. I mean, you’re not even angry, then you go and high-tail it outta here after-’ He gritted his teeth, his head shaking. ‘What the hell is wrong with you? That's 20 miles out from okay.’ Exasperated at the situation, Dean could feel his arms and legs getting shaky.

‘So, you’re angry that I’m not angry?’

‘No, I'm angry because normally, Cas, if you say you love someone and then _that_ happens, you don’t use it to leave someone high and dry!’

‘Dean, you asked me to pretend it didn’t happen and that’s what I did.’

‘You’re so full of crap.’

Cas looked at him, eyes widening but hard. ‘You wanted me to demand an explanation?!’

'Yes. No, that’s not-' He couldn't stop to imagine what that would have looked like, but he watched Cas root himself to the ground with enough confidence to gank him.

‘Dean, I’m trying to understand but I don’t.' He moved a step closer, allowing Dean to submerge into his feverish gaze. 'I told you exactly how I feel, that I'm happy with simply loving you. But **you** are the one who keeps telling me that I’m wrong, that I feel a love of family and friendship, which I don’t agree with by the way. Now you’re angry when all I’m doing is what **you've** asked me to do, because that's how much I love you! But you've been on some self-deprecating mission to prove yourself right ever since I got back from the Empty-'

‘You're saying this is all my fault?’

‘No, that's not...’ Cas moved with a loud footing, his jaw giving it away that he’d started clenching his teeth together. ‘ **Why** is it so hard for you to accept the truth?'

Dean shivered and looked at the whiskey on the table, the blunt strike of the angel’s words was venomous. He was paralysed, only able to look at Cas and meet the ache in the air between them.

#####  Chapter 9>>>


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unresolved tension needs to be dealt with.

###  Chapter Nine

They stood in stillness, Dean's breath stuck in his chest as his jaw travelled slowly up and down, feeling choked.

Cas studied him, as though he didn't know if he was getting ready to break or battle. Taking a step closer, the angel gently rested a hand on his shoulder and Dean felt another shiver flow inside him, his mouth dropping open with a sharp exhale. Their eyes caught together, the room vibrating between them.

'I can't do this, Cas.' 

Dean felt his heart sinking as he said it. Uncertainty over their friendship turned from a hum into a scream inside his head. He raked his gaze away, refusing to look at the angel as he shook his head, wetness in his eyes trying to run out onto his face. He didn't let it, moving out of the room with the echo of his boots loud. 

***

Dean got halfway down the corridor when he stopped. A mixture of sadness and guilt turned his stomach. The thought of leaving Castiel alone with all that was between them floating in the same air he was breathing; Dean didn’t like it. Cas meant too much to him, of course he did. He walked back into the library, holding his breath as Cas looked towards him with the shards of a broken heart. Seeing him like that, so _human_ , Dean's face fell with the urge to comfort him. 

‘Dean, what are you-?’ Castiel pushed himself to stand tall.

‘I don’t know.’ The heel of his boot pressed down one after another until he came face to face with the angel. Cas looked up, his eyebrows knotted together as though he didn’t recognise the hunter in front of him. Dean brought his hand up and felt Cas tremble as he moved him closer. The racing of his heart was able to find Cas’s, beating in unison as he lowered himself and closed the gap between them. 

‘Dean?’ Cas's voice was broken, stopping their lips from meeting. Dean opened his eyes to see the blue of the angel’s iris filling near enough his entire vision.

‘Cas.’ 

He breathed the angel’s name hoping to reassure him, before closing his eyes again and pressing their lips together. This time, Dean didn’t move away. He leaned into Cas, moving to cup his face softly. He felt Cas touch his waist with featherlight fingers, barely enough to register that they were even there but it sent shockwaves down his spine. Deepening the kiss, butterflies in his stomach freed themselves and floated out, rousing his body. The moment took him completely, and he felt himself respond to the angel in every way possible. Cas tightened his grip before releasing.

‘Dean, stop.’ Cas said, breaking the kiss. 

The hunter’s heart sprinted, damnit, he didn’t want to stop. His face twisted, pained by the idea. ‘What? No. I need you to go with me on this, man.’ Returning to Cas, he was allowed to steal another kiss. Thoughts had started to catch up to his actions, wanting to melt and surrender. Knowing he’d feel a sense of peace in his head, his nerves, and his bones, but only if they kept going and didn’t let the anxiety sat in the pit of his stomach take over. 

‘No.’ Cas broke away, walking a few feet away from the hunter. ‘I’m not going to _just go with you on this_.’

‘You’re- what? Do you not want this?’ 

‘Of course, I want this, but do you? Can you really explain what’s happening?’

Dean swallowed hard, an explanation was the only thing he didn’t have right now. 

***

The pair faced each other with two glasses of whiskey. Dean felt tired but he didn’t want to leave Cas without any reason for his behaviour. He took a sharp breath, having poured Cas a drink in silence whilst he thought it over; he’d sat them both down, buying time until he had an answer. Finally, there wasn’t anything left in his head. 

‘It just came over me, Cas.’ He tapped the edge of the glass, resting his gaze on the lamp between them. ‘It-it just felt right. I know that sounds bad-’

A shy smile fell on Cas’s face before he took a sip of his drink, 'It did feel right.’

‘You sure about that?’

‘Yes. Dean, I only stopped because I didn’t want you to wake up tomorrow, horrified at anything you might’ve done. You know that?’ 

‘Probably wise.’ Dean nodded, raising his eyebrows at Cas with a flush on his cheeks. ‘So, when you said the one thing you wanted but couldn’t have, you honest-to-God meant me? Being _with_ me?

‘Yes.’

‘Cas… why didn’t you say anything before?’

The angel tilted his head at him, a soft reminder of how different he’d become in these last 12 years. Dean enjoyed the familiarity of those quirks; he’d humanised in so many ways but he was still Castiel. 

‘Why? Should I have?’ Cas asked.

‘I don’t know, maybe.’ He wanted to probe the idea, if Cas had said all this several years ago, how would their lives have changed? Fear gripped onto him and he swallowed the lump in his throat. He had to say it, it was now or simply forget it. ‘Okay,’ he said under his breath.

‘Okay? What’s okay?’

A swarm of bees buzzed in Dean’s stomach as he looked over and saw Cas's face tightly pressed together. The angel really had no idea, Dean would’ve laughed if he’d had any breath left in his lungs. ‘You, me; _this_.’ He rubbed a sweaty palm over his knee, pleading with him to understand. ‘Cas, there’s nobody else.' Dean felt smothered by his own voice, but the angel blinking slow into his eyes heated him up, blood rushing around his body. ‘This, whatever _this_ is... has been it for me, for a while now.’

‘Dean, what are you saying?’

Dean bit onto his lip before finishing the whiskey in his glass. 'I think you know what I'm saying.' 

##### Chapter 10>>>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this chapter took a while to finish. I really didn't want to rush the start of a conversation like this and it took a while to find the flow that felt right. I hope you like it, and thanks for reading this far!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam talks to Dean about his feelings for Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to keep you waiting even longer but we're nearly at the end. I couldn't finish without a couple of little TFW 2.0 moments.

### Chapter Ten

‘I think you know what I’m saying.’ 

Dean’s words were soft in Castiel ears and he drank up the man in front of him. In all the years Castiel had known Dean Winchester, there had been many times when his actions and words left the angel questioning, appreciative, or touched. This was definitely all three. He maintained eye contact as the words sank in, the green in Dean’s eyes peppered with tiredness but strong and unmoving. 

Cas was ready to let any words tumble out, no thought needed, just something to break the heat growing inside him when he heard footsteps. 

‘You’re still up, good.’ Jack strolled in, unaware but glowing with content. ‘Do you want to play some cards?’

He looked over, a slight stinging at how quickly the Nephilim had pierced through the moment, then turned to Dean. The energy between them raw as Dean lingered his gaze. This was too important, Cas wanted to ask Jack to give them a few minutes; craving more, extra enlightenment. Before he could find a response, the hunter already gave one.

‘Actually Jack, I’m pretty tired. How about tomorrow?’ 

‘Okay. I’d like that.’ Jack replied.

Dean stood up, walking with a weary foot as his hand dropped onto Jack’s shoulder. ‘I’m glad you’re home.’ The young Nephilim smiled and Dean turned slow, pointing his finger towards the angel. ‘Cas-’

‘Dean, it’s fine.’ Cas said it without checking first. It wasn’t fine, he wanted to discuss this further.

As Dean left the room, Castiel observed. He always held himself strong but his shirt rested against the curvature of his back, fitting him perfectly. Nerves became tremors, the angel’s body remembering the feel of Dean’s stomach and thighs pressing against him, hot and steady. Did that really happen? He quickly turned to Jack, who had quietly taken the hunter’s seat and sat clutching a pack of cards in his hands. The Nephilim watched him, his hands still.

‘Cas, you never told me what happened that night. How did you summon the Empty? I thought you said it would only come when you were truly happy?’

‘That’s correct-’

‘So, what made you truly happy?’

Cas paused, the last few weeks scorching around his body like the embers of a fire; his muscle memory working hard. He took a sharp breath, looking into Jack’s eyes and hoping he’d understand.

‘I told Dean the truth. That, I love him.’

‘...And he feels the same…’

‘Well, I don’t know if he does, Jack. It wasn’t about the-’

Jack’s head lifted up after starting to shuffle the cards, beaming. ‘No, Cas, he does.’ 

***

When Dean stirred awake, an ache throughout his arm greeted him. Falling asleep on his stomach had its consequences. He groaned, opening his eyes to see a figure placing a glass of water next to him and sitting in the chair.

‘Cas?’ He croaked.

‘No, Dean. It’s me.’

He frowned as his vision focused, confused as to why Sam was his wake-up call. ‘What’s wrong? Something happen?’

‘Everything’s fine. It’s you that I’m worried about.’ 

Dean rolled his eyes as his brother cleared his throat. ‘Dude, whatever is going on with Cas, you need to deal with it. I thought you were starting to but it seems like you’ve steered into oncoming traffic or something.’

‘What? Don’t give me that crap.’ Dean lifted his head and looked at Sam, moving slowly out of bed to face him. 

‘Look, if you’ve realised you don’t feel the same way, that’s fine, but don’t take it out on him-’ 

‘Okay number one.’ Dean raised his index finger into the air between them. ‘It’s not as cut and dry as that, and number two.’ Another finger joined. ‘We talked.’

‘Really, and?’ 

Dean grabbed a blue and green flannel draped at the foot of the bed, swinging it across his shoulders and over the black tee he was wearing. He felt frustrated, what did Sam know about any of this? He had Eileen and was living out a honeymoon phase all over the bunker. 

‘And what, Sam? The situation between me and him isn’t something you can chalk up easy. If it was, don’t you think I would’ve done by now? He’s an angel, what don’t you understand about that? You think we’re just gonna hold hands, kiss, and then what…?’

‘I don’t know, Dean, be happy for a bit? I mean, is that such a pipedream?’

‘And that wouldn't be weird?’

Sam shook his head at his brother, looking tired but undefeated. ‘No, what’s weird is you both tiptoeing around each other, Cas thinking you don’t want him around whilst you down shots at some bar because he left for what? A day?’

Dean looked away, the words starting to feel like anvils dropping onto him. 

‘I get that it feels weird, I do. And yes, he’s an angel, but so what? You need to see it from the outside. You’re happier when he’s around, it doesn’t matter what we’re doing; you’re always happier and more you when he’s here.’

‘Alright, Dr Phil. Enough.’ Dean pushed himself to his feet, the taste of last night’s whiskey rattling at the back of his throat.

‘Hey, I’m just telling you how it is, Dean.’ He threw his hands into the air in defence. ‘What’s stopping you? Is it because it feels weird, or is it because deep down it feels right and _that_ is weird?’ His younger brother watched him, as though he’d discovered a new piece of a puzzle and was trying to slot it into place.

Dean paused, trying not to think about Sam’s question or how many times he’d already kissed the angel because _it felt right_. He sat back down on the bed, glancing up at his brother. ‘If Dad heard this… what the hell would he think?’ He forced out a chuckle, letting his hand trail over his face.

‘It doesn’t matter because Dad isn’t here. Maybe he’d be supportive or maybe he’d be Dad about it but what difference does it make? Trust me, if you’ve got a shot at love with someone who gets us, knows what we’ve been through and not only accepts that but is a part of it…? Take it.’ Sam pressed his hands into his legs before standing up, his eyes sharp but pleading with Dean. ‘It’s Cas, and you’re the only person who doesn’t seem to get that you love him just as much as he loves you.’

#####  Chapter 11>>>


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean uses his words with Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a tough week as a destiel shipper, I've been in a bit of a sad mood with it all but finally managed to finish this chapter and the epilogue. I hope you like it and I'm happy to hear any feedback.

### Chapter Eleven

Dean found Castiel in the kitchen an hour later, alone and reading the back of a cereal box.

‘At least we know he still loves this _Crunch Cookie Crunch_.’ Cas moved it to the side as Dean walked towards him, his knuckles grazing the table.

‘Yeah,’ Dean smiled. ‘Is he…?’

‘He said he was going for a walk with Sam and Eileen.’

‘A walk?’ Dean raised his eyebrows, that sounded very domestic of them. What next? Family trips to the farmer’s market? ‘Look, Cas, about last night-’

‘It’s fine, Dean. We don’t have to.’

‘No, we really do.’ 

He took a deep breath, the softness of Castiel’s face guiding his words.

‘Okay, I don’t know how to say this so I’m – I’m just going to say it…’ 

Dean felt himself shift backwards but didn't know why he'd done it, maybe the adrenaline or wanting the space for everything he needed to say. He edged himself towards the counter, gripping it for support as Cas watched.

‘When I said this is it for me, I meant that with this life being the way it is, as long as you were around in _some_ way then I was good. I never thought I’d get more than that...’

He bit his lip briefly, sinking further down into Cas’s eyes as he tried to stay afloat a little longer. 

‘And I’m happy just watching movies with you, man. Scooby Doo marathons, drinking beer, eating burgers, driving along with some good music and you riding shotgun. Wind in our hair, you know?’

His hands tensed white and he forced himself to relax whilst Castiel stood up, walking towards him carefully. Dean swallowed, the lump in his throat starting to ache. 

‘Cas,’ Dean searched for additional words, too lost in the blue of the eyes approaching him. Looking at Cas's lips and thinking how bad he wanted to kiss him, he was on fire as the angel stopped in front of him. Personal space gone, just as it always had. He cleared his throat. ‘If you thought you couldn’t have me, you could not have been more wrong. Grace or no grace, angel crap or no angel crap; I want to do this.’

The words were lighter than he expected them to be and he studied Cas like a tapestry, waiting to see either confusion or understanding. Cas didn’t say anything at first, until a few seconds later a smile spread across and opened his face up.

Dean felt his body drifting but he was sure he wasn't moving. He smiled in return, a warmness escaped him and he allowed his hand to comb through the angel's hair. Castiel’s eyes doubled in size and Dean could almost feel the shivers he’d just sent down his spine. Taking each other in, their breathing seemed to synchronise, chests rising and falling as one.

‘So, what happens now?’ Castiel asked quietly.

Shaky with nerves, Dean attempted to interlace their hands, coaxing Cas’s fingers into his. The angel relaxed in his grip and melted into his hand. Keeping their eyes holding each other as his voice cracked with anticipation.

‘Well, we can try this the human way. It’s more obvious but it can be, uh, stickier…’ 

The angel looked at him with a puzzle across his brow as Dean felt himself smirk. For a second, he panicked. He’d been assuming Cas meant the full definition of the phrase _‘being together’_ but maybe that wasn’t the case.

‘Unless, you don’t want-’ 

Cas broke him off, releasing his hand and cupping his face to press their lips together. He held him firm and Dean shivered with pleasure, pulling him close with both hands wrapping around his surprisingly-muscular waist. The feel of him encouraged the hunter to explore his mouth, deepening themselves together. Dean took this as the angel answering his question with a resounding yes, that he wanted the full experience. 

Castiel pulled himself back, both hands now holding onto Dean’s neck; his thumb resting in the dimple of his stubbled cheek. Dean braced himself as he caught the heat in his eyes, the fireworks in his belly still exploding with thunder.

‘I love you, Dean.’

His breath wrapping itself into his chest like a kite, Dean unscrambled it quickly. Breathing his response, barely audible but loud enough for them both to hear.

‘I love you too, Cas.’

##### Epilogue>>>


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fluff at the end of the book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My fluff 'fuck you' to 15x20. 
> 
> I really hope you like it, thank you so much for reading/commenting! 
> 
> Te amo.

###  Epilogue

The room was in darkness when Dean shot up in bed, Castiel hearing him breathe heavily for a few moments before slowing down. 

‘Dean, what’s wrong?’ 

‘Nothing, bad dream.’ 

The angel reached over and turned on the bedside lamp, pulling himself up and letting his hand run down Dean’s back. Cas didn’t have the necessity of needing sleep but getting to lay with the man he loves in slumber was proving to be one of his favourite pastimes.

‘What happened?’

Dean wiped away the perspiration shining on his head and turned to Cas with glassy eyes, sleep still on his face. ‘I died.’

‘Well, that is something you’ve experienced, it’s perfectly natural that you’d sometimes dream about it. But with Rowena and Jack working together, I don’t think you’ll be hunting anytime soon.’

‘This felt so real, Cas. Me and Sam were fighting these vampires, one of them freaking threw me onto… I don’t know, a rusty nail or something. I felt it go right through me-’ Dean touched around his back, his face crinkling at the same time; Cas moved his own fingers on top, helping him feel how perfectly whole he was.

‘You’re fine, Dean.’

‘Next thing I know, I’m in Heaven with Bobby drinking crap beer.’

Cas moved his hand away as Dean shifted, his weight heavy as he laid down and pulled the cover over his stomach. Cas followed, wearing a black t-shirt of Dean's which smelt of the apple pie they'd been sharing a few hours earlier.

‘In Heaven? Was I there?’

Dean turned onto his side to face the angel, his breathing back to normal and muscles relaxing. ‘No, but it wasn’t Heaven, Cas. It was more like some kind of messed up reality.’

‘Well, you don’t need to worry about any of that. You're going to live a long life, well, most likely a moderately long life with your diet...’ 

The lamp next to them flickered, briefly clouding them into darkness before flashing back on, brighter. Dean didn’t seem to notice as he reached to kiss Cas softly. No matter how many times he did this, Cas couldn’t quite believe it was happening. When they parted, Cas breathed in the man in front of him. His beautiful large eyes, the shape of his mouth; having Dean in this way was mythical. 

‘Hey, are you happy?’ Dean asked.

The angel lay for a few moments, his fingers resting around Dean’s arm, never wanting to let go. ‘Of course, are you?’

‘Hell yes.’ 

Smiling, Cas ran his hand up and over Dean’s shoulder, feeling him soften under his touch and dissolve into the bed under them. Rescuing this man from hell had been the objective of a soldier, but loving him? That was his earnt free will. 

A knock on their bedroom door came loud, both looked nervously towards it.

‘Could you guys stop whatever you’re doing, Eileen and me just got woken up by 3 lightbulbs blowing out…’

Cas felt slightly awkward but Dean brushed it off, his face cracking with laughter. ‘Sorry, Sammy!’ 

‘Just be glad that Jack is in Heaven this week,’ Sam mumbled through the door. They heard him walk away, his loud feet echoing through the wall. 

Dean knotted his temples. 'I thought your powers were failing?' 

'They are, I don't know why it's happening. I feel an overwhelming happiness and then...' 

'Lights out?' Dean grinned. 'Freakin' angels.' His hand slipped around Cas's neck, kissing him with warm, slow movements. 

Cas pulled him closer. He wasn't sure what his future looked like, angel or human, but there was one thing he was certain of. He was going to hold Dean, watch those stupid movies as often as he wanted, wear his cowboy hats, and bone him just as he liked. That was love after all, and he’d learnt that from the pizza man.

##### The End


End file.
